Not Just Monsters
by EchoResonance
Summary: We are more than just the sum of our sins. Minor Lucille x Celes


Kohaku and Gwindel are outside getting food. I am stuck back in the car, alone with Lucille. I haven't been able to look him in the eyes since the convent. What that cat masked man had said… It is still gnawing at me as a hungry dog gnaws at a bone. I know that I shouldn't care. I shouldn't. Why on earth do I care whether or not Lucille is simply using me? I've already said that it would be fine if that is what he did. So why do I feel…betrayed, somehow, at the thought that he really might be doing just that? Using me as a tool to achieve something better?

"_Don't put your faith into Lucille. He's a bad, dangerous man."_

"_How can you say that?! I know you all fight, but aren't you guys like some kind of family?"_

"_We're with him because we have to be. None of us are here by choice except for you, Eles."_

"_That…That can't be true! You wouldn't be able to play the music you did if you didn't share _some_ kind of bond!"_

Of course, they can deny it all they want. Make up all these stories of why they travel with Lucille; because they're forced to. But I know better. The way they bicker…It's much like my brother and I used to fight and argue. We would jump at each other's throats at times, but when push came to shove, we would never leave the other person up in the air.

Gwindel and Kohaku have had plenty of opportunities to run for their freedom. There have been any number of times that they could have escaped Lucille. Let him die, or worse. But they never have. They always jump back into the fire to save their chanteur. Maybe they don't like each other all of the time, but I know that there is some sort of bond there.

It makes it hard for me to believe that these are all bad men.

"_The Secret Orchestre Royal is made up of criminals with horrible crimes behind them wherever they go."_

"_You guys can't really be that bad, can you?"_

"_We have all sinned, Eles. And they have been great sins indeed. Lucille may have shown me the madness, and the cruelty, in what I had done before he found me, even to my own daughter, but understanding that you have sinned does not wash that sin away. And we have all sinned many, many times. Lucille is no different."_

How can someone so beautiful, with such an enchanting voice, be evil? How can a man with the sound and appearance of an angel have sinned as completely as everyone keeps saying? I would ask myself these questions, at first. But now I understand.

I have seen that secret little smile he always wears, like he is never anything but calm, even as he tears through Guignols and sings songs of destruction. I have borne witness to some horrible things, and I have heard stories about him too gruesome to be anything but true.

"_Gwindel…So Lucille is…he really is…a monster?"_

"_Yes, Eles, and the rest of us are no better."_

"_If you were smart, you'd have never come with us."_

"_Shut up, Kohaku! I came because I knew that with Lucille, I could make a difference with my music. And I know you feel the same, even if you won't admit it to yourself!"_

"Eles."

His voice is as soft as a whisper, but of course I can hear it. It isn't possible not to hear such a musical sound, even when he only talks, and does not sing. I look around automatically, to find his large blue eyes watching me, a rather sad little smile playing around the corners of his lips.

"Eh?"

I say it as I look away. Down, at the small pianist hands folded neatly in my lap. These hands are capable of horrible things too. Just as his voice, or Kohaku's violin, or Gwindel's cello. I am no better than them. I have played my music to the rhythm of death, just as they have. Does that make me a monster as well? Is that all we are? Monsters, doling out false justice and simply pretending to rid the world of sins which only continue to grow and spread?

"You haven't been able to look at me since the convent." A statement. Not a question. Never a question. Accompanied by melancholy sapphire eyes.

I don't respond. Just sit there, silently, staring at my interlocking fingers.

"No, it was before that. When we were in the Capital. You were with Cook," he says, leaning over the back of the seat. "What did he tell you?"

I look out of the window. Where are those two? They should be back by now. I can't be alone with Lucille right now. Not with everything that is going through my mind. It's so hard to concentrate when those beautiful eyes lock onto me. He looks so feminine in his beauty, and when he speaks, even his voice seems more like that of a woman's. It's no wonder that he has been mistaken for a girl so many times. And yet…There are also those times when he cannot be mistaken for anything but a man.

"I see…" sighs Lucille, sitting back. "He told you my greatest sin."

Mutely, I nod. I risk a glance at his face. His eyes are closed, and it seems that he has to fight to keep the smile on his face. But that could just be me.

"I'm not going to deny it, because it happened," he says softly. "I will say that it is one of my deepest regrets, though that doesn't excuse it. I'm not proud of what I did, then or after the fact."

"_He's a traitor. He betrays everyone around him."_

"_Death follows him like a sickness, latching onto all those who care for him, and all those for whom he cares."_

"_That's why he no longer travels with people he cares about. There's a reason he his orchestra are nothing but ruffians who despise him."_

"I haven't let myself grow close to anyone since then."

I frown. His eyes open, and they're too dark. Too full of pain. It just isn't right for Lucille to look like this.

"Every time I love someone, I lose them. I've learned from my mistakes. If I don't love others, I can't lose them. But, no matter what precautions I take…" he sighs and looks away. "It doesn't wipe my past away. It will always be there."

"Lu—Lucille…" I stumble, unsure of what to say.

"It's best you understand, now, that none of us are saints," he says, and suddenly his voice is on fire. "We all have blood on our hands. We aren't friends. The sooner you understand that this is the way it has to be, the sooner you can get on with your life. I try to keep you all safe. I do. But my first priority is saving my little sister."

"_You'll use her, in your sister's place, eh?"_

"I don't want to lose anyone else either, Lucille," I say quietly. "But…I haven't stopped caring. I don't think that what you're doing is going to help you. I'm terrified that I'll lose more people I care about. But I still choose to care about them. Maybe you should, too."

He chuckles quietly.

"You sound so wise, Celes. And so young. You're still pure. I think, when you have seen and done the things that I have, you will feel that it's the only way to stay sane. The only way to hold on to who you are."

I raise an eyebrow, a realization beginning to formulate in my mind. Lucille, the man terrified by nothing…

"You don't even know who you are anymore, though. Do you?" I ask cautiously. "You're so scared to open up to people, you can't even open up to yourself anymore."

"I know who I am, Celes," Lucille says, and I can hear a slight change in his voice, making it sound rather defensive. "I'm a killer, a sinner. I have nothing but blood on my hands. I destroy."

I rise onto my knees, and lean over the seat to look closely at him. His eyebrows raise ever so slightly. That smile of his has finally dropped all together.

"You're so afraid to lose yourself, that you don't even realize you already have. Lucille, is that really all you think you are?"

"_They're all monsters."_

"_Evil."_

"_Killers."_

"That is what I am, Celes. I have not lost my true self, though clearly you would like to think of me as some kind of hero," he says harshly. "I am no hero. The work I do, the things that I kill, may make some lives better. But I do it only in the hopes of finding a way to save my sister. The others, only for the money. They need their bails paid off. This is the only way they can do that. Stop acting as though we're the saviors of this land. We're all criminals."

Now I feel my own little smile tilting the corners of my lips up.

"No, Lucille. You're not a hero. You and Kohaku and Gwindel might not be the ideal team. None of you are the saviors of this forsaken world. But you all are more than just killers." I reach out, and catch his hand. His eyes flicker to the point of contact, then back to me.

"Celes…"

"You aren't just criminals, and you aren't just destruction. If you guys didn't have some kind of connection, some kind of higher conscience, you would never do what you do. You wouldn't be able to make music like you do. You would never have made it as far as you have. Whatever you guys say, you're like a family. When you fight, it just reminds me of…"

"Of Eles?" he says, voice as hushed as a breath of wind. I nod.

"Siblings fight. But they're always there for each other. If those two didn't care at all, they could've ditched you a long time ago. I've seen them ignore opportunity after opportunity to run. To abandon you. They always come back for you. You can ignore it if you want, you can pretend like you don't care, but I know you do. You're fond of your companions. And they care about you, too. You guys aren't just monsters. Yeah, you're killers, but I don't think that makes you bad people. You're doing the best you can with the circumstances you've been given. There's nothing wrong with that."

So fast I'm not sure how it happens, I'm somehow yanked over the seat and pulled into a rib-cracking hug. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I notice that Lucille even kind of smells like a lady, but mostly, I'm too startled to do anything but sit there until he releases me.

"Celes…You're a strange child," he says, looking at me curiously. "Why…How can you seem so sure that we are not the monsters everyone else believes we are?"

I smile.

"Because I pay attention."

Lucille smiles one of his beautiful smiles, and leans in slowly. I feel his lips press against my forehead in a gentle kiss. I leap back as though burned, clapping a hand to my head. A furious heat scalds my cheeks, but all Lucille does is chuckle.

"Wh-what was—" I start, but just then, the front door swings open.

"Got food," grumbles Kohaku, hefting in a large brown paper bag.

"Great," says Lucille, suddenly the picture of tranquility again. "I'm starving."

I blink. Then I shake my head and decide to ignore it. As I rummage through the food that our wages barely paid for after going to Gwindel and Kohaku's bail, I can feel a set of blazing blue eyes burning two identical holes into the back of my head.


End file.
